I wasn't sure if I wanted to write an end of year recap of 2019 or reflect on what I've faced this past year because I am a person who is used to suffering in silence. I don't like to burden the people in my life with my problems/issues and would much rather be a source of comfort to someone else than to my own self. However, I need to let it out. 2019 was a trying year for me for my physical and mental health. I am still going through a lot so I why not share it...I mean this is what I created TiyasTake for.
Imagine you're 23, a year removed from college, just got promoted at an awesome job in your field, and are working on CONSISTENTLY saving money so when you finally get ready to move out of your mother's house...you'll set yourself up to move how you want. Cool. This was me from March to June. Then in July...it all went to shit.
On July 3rd (YES I KNOW THE EXACT DATE) I was on my way to work and started to feel sick. Now, two things y'all should know about me 1. I have always had bad periods...severe pain, back pain, heavy menstruation, and headaches and 2. I hate the train. I hate riding the fucking train because it is hot. UNCOMFORTABLY hot. I'm pretty sure y'all are like what does bad periods and an overcrowded train has to do with anything...relax I'm taking you through the mess that is my physical health. So I'm on the train feeling ill and I'm def like...I'm gonna come on my period on this hot ass train but something was off...something was different. I felt so sick that I texted my coach at my job that I needed to talk to her when she came into the office. As soon as she got in I burst into tears explaining how bad I felt. Please refer back to when I said I suffer in silence...you won't see me cry in public ever so already red flags. She told me if I needed to go home I could leave but I'm not a punk ass bitch...its just a period. I'll get through it. She ran and got me all kinds of stuff to help me get some relief but it was a pressure that was building. By that afternoon...I went to HR and told them I have to leave early. I cannot work anymore. My head was pounding, I was in physical pain and I was nauseous. I get to the entrance of my building... and I start vomiting on the sidewalk (mind you my office building is next to a fucking Christian Louboutin store...classy). I couldn't move so I sat there and called one of my coworkers to bring me water, napkins, crackers, and medicine. I get back on the hot ass train to go home...still throwing up in a plastic bag. People are staring at me and let me just say I think it's rude to watch someone get sick –mind your business but anyway still no relief even after I had gotten home.
Y'all... I proceeded to vomit for 14 days straight. When I say vomit I mean vomit to the point where nothing is coming out but stomach acid. I mean vomit to the point where I became so dehydrated I went to the Emergency Room and Urgent Care 4 times in a span of two weeks. I mean dehydrated like I fainted in my shower and knocked the fuck out of my head with my the shower rod. I mean dehydrated like I fainted again in the receptionist area of my doctors' office and proceeded to cut my gotdamn eye. See exhibit A.
Now, I had never ever ever gotten sick like that from my period ever and what sucks is these symptoms were triggered by my period but went on for DAYS after my cycle was over. Come on now dawg. COME ON MANE. So naturally, I'm like this was a rare occurrence. It was weird but I've never had such severe symptoms before...surely it will go back to normal right? So the month of August passes without incident and then September hits the same thing happens...probably even more severe. More ER visits, more doctors' appointments, more money. Yeah, remember when I touched on consistently saving HAHA that's funny when you are constantly paying $250 copays, paying for ultrasounds and medication out of pocket. It happened again in October, again November and again this past week. I've been on medical leave from my job since September trying to dedicate all my time and energy on getting better but... it's just not getting better. I need y'all to understand when I go through these episodes every month I am incapacitated. It drains me. I cannot work from home. I cannot do anything but lay there and through up my insides.
It has taken such a tremendous toll on my mental health as well. I don't know what's wrong specifically. It's clearly a gynecological disorder. Right now, my doctors are leaning toward endometriosis as my official ailment but the thing is that you cannot diagnose endometriosis without having a surgeon cut you open down there to examine your reproductive system and see if there are any endometrial cells that are basically inflamed and creating scar tissue down there. Right now I'm on treatment option number one but as I just said I just had an episode so that one wasn't successful. It really is bothering me because I'm only 24. I moved across the country to seize new opportunities and take advantage of being in a new place and to go through this is just disheartening. To go to countless doctors' appointments to leave feeling unheard, unhelped and disregarded is depressing. I honestly feel like it will get worse before it gets better and what a fucked up thing to think at this point because it is already pretty bad. I don't know y'all...I'm out here trying my hardest to fix me but I'm tired.
I'm just tired.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this cause I know it wasn't easy. Thanks for hanging in there and staying strong, despite life drop kicking you and trying to suck the life out of you...literally. I'm so proud of you for pushing through and making the most out of the cards you've been dealt. I know your expectations aren't aligning with your reality at this very moment, but I strongly believe that things will turn around for you. You can't have dreams without nightmares. I love you and I'm always here, blow.my.phone.up!!!